last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The best revenge is premature balding
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
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Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
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He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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