Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
