Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
