I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
