The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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