I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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