After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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