at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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