He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
