My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
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We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
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We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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