When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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