Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
