My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
