Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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