Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
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I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
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I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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