Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He shit in the fireplace
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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