im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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