my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
