my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
