I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
