im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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