It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
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