I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
