made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
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