dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
