this boner is exhausting
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
