Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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