rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
