Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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