i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
