She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
