sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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