Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize