I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
