Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
