i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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