If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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