I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
