hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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