This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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