6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
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you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
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He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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