Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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