dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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