Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
