before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
we're so committed to being not committed
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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