I hope mine doesn't look like that
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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