My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
