Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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