i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
