Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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