Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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