Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
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Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
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Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.