bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
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No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.