They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.