dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
