Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
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that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
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Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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