The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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