So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
