if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
