Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
