When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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