I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
