i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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