is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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